Whips & Chains ...

One of my Facebook friends posted this status today:  "I truly place the failure of a relationship on men ... women are ready to follow ... but most men are not ready, willing or capable of leading."

I responded with, "I don't agree that "most men" is a fair statement, nor that "women are ready to follow."  I think we live in a society, a Nation, where our women have become so independent and rebellious that they have, through the need and desire to better themselves and fight for "equality", made our men peripheral people and only needed when and for what we need them.  It is not the way I think things should be.  I think the man should be the dominant person in the relationship - period.  I am really not the woman to make such a statement, as I am very dominant in many situations I should probably relinquish power to my man.  I am of a generation/society that has tremendously influenced my actions - even if those actions do not truly represent the beliefs inside my heart and head."

It is not a common way of thinking these days, and many women would rebel against the thought of any sort of submission to men, fearing it would and could and likely will (blah, blah, blah) set women back decades or days or weeks (blah, blah, blah), and negate all the progress "we" have made in equal rights for women.  As a woman, I am all for equal rights for women - right to vote, equal rights in the work place, equal pay, right to serve in the Armed Forces, etc., but I am not talking about taking away any of those rights or reverting back to a state of repression for women - I am talking about giving men back their masculinity and power as MEN.  I truly believe this progressive "women's movement" has taken away men's powers on so many levels.  Through a revolution that has empowered women, men have become pussies.  In their attempt to conform - and they have, on so many levels - to a women's movement that was not only right, but necessary and moral - they have lost themselves.  And women have allowed it and done nothing, really, to discourage or repair it.

I'm not going to go into all the repression that has happened to men, I am only going to say that in a relationship I believe a woman should be submissive to her man.  Like I said in my previous statement, I am not always submissive myself (hahahaha!), but I do believe it is the way it should be.  This is not to say that a couple can not mutually make decisions together, walk side by side in most every aspect of their relationship, no.  But ... if push comes to shove in their world, I believe the power should be relinquished to the man.  I believe that you can never have 2 rulers - someone always has to have the top position.  I, for one, believe that top position belongs to the man (except in bed - then the woman definitely needs to be on top, sometimes - tee hee).  I never want to see a relationship between a man and a woman where the woman rules that man, leads the man.  In that relationship, I say the man is weak and dishonored and sad and forgotten and repressed and ... it is not the way it is meant to be.  If anyone deserves the top position, it is the men.  Regardless of how they attained their power - over eons of years (by repressing women, even) - they earned the power and it is only because they love women - loved their woman - love womankind - that they submitted and conformed to making things different for us.

And ... as for in bed, well ... that is submission at its finest.  Women should never (and I would suggest that most never do) emasculate a man in the bedroom, ever, by not, at least occasionally, becoming completely submissive.  Submitting to a man in bed, in love, in sex is, well ... delicious and perfect.  And who does not love delicious and perfect?  I'm not (necessarily) talking about whips and chains (while there's nothing wrong with that - haha), I'm just talking about the MAN being the MAN and the woman being the woman.  He is the stronger sex - he NEEDS to be the stronger of the sexes in bed.  Period.

We, as women, are powerful, but we definitely have the potential, like anyone powerful, to misuse or misguide that power.  We do not need to go backwards in order to recognize and admit that by repressing men and not empowering them and relinquishing power to them when necessary and right, we are not only hurting them ... we are hurting ourselves and our children.

SEXY

What is a sexy?  Is it in the clothing a woman wears?  Is it how she carries herself?  Is it the way she talks or moves or stands out in a crowd?  Is it an innate trait she possess from an early age?  Is it a power that can be learned or is it bestowed on only a chosen few?

First, we must define sexy.

Sexy:  sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality. Excitingly appealing.

Radiating sexuality - that is what I believe true "sexy" is.  I do not believe that just any woman can put on a "sexy" outfit and it will immediately make her sexy.  It might make her appealing or exciting, but it can not make her radiate sexuality.  It can radiate that she wants sex, but it can not radiate her sexuality - that is something inside certain women that she possesses - a gift that exudes from her naturally.  I believe that true "sexy" is innate (a state of mind, a way of being) in individuals, and not something that can be taught or learned or exhibited simply by slipping on a pair of sexy heels, a short skirt and a low-cut blouse.  I do believe, however, that many, many women can radiate sexuality through print photography.  Even though these women might not truly radiate sexuality, in person, they are able to portray it through photos - through seductive eyes or an enticing tilt of the head or sensual position of her body.  The same goes with art.  Sexy can definitely radiate from some/many beautiful works of art.  And, I do believe that women that do not truly radiate sexuality, can and do learn how to use their eyes and bodies and posture and voices to emulate sexy.  But ... in the world, in our everyday lives, the women we meet are either innately sexy or they are not.  That is my belief.

I have sat in a crowded room many times and observed the women there - at a party, in a bar, on a dance floor.  I have watched and searched for the few that posses this gift - this trait that they were born with - this trait that exudes from them even when some are unaware or even shielding it.   Some of these women are very aware they posses this power, but many are not - they just are, and some don't have a clue what to do with it or how to harness and use it to their advantage.  Some are uncomfortable with the gift and spend much of their time trying to hide it, as people are drawn to them and they do not know why.  Some have learned what a gift it is and have learned how to use it to draw people to them.  And ... those that know it, and know it well, know how to use it - not always in a sexual way - but to draw men and women, alike, to them.  They know this to be one of their strengths and they allow people to be drawn to them through this power.

Marilyn Monroe was the epitome of sexy.  She lived it and breathed it - she was sexy in every sense of the word and the world was drawn to her.  Pamela Anderson has sex appeal, but she is not, in my opinion, innately sexy - she emulates sexy - there is a big difference.  Men will often tell a woman she is sexy, but there are only a chosen few that truly are.  The rest are merely wannabes ...

Don't Forget the Kisses

I read a lot of romance novels.  Some (okay, most - haha) are pretty dirty.  These are not the Harlequin Romance novels my grandmother use to spend hours reading in her recliner when I'd go visit her in West Virginia for the summers.  Nope.  These are modern day romance (erotica) novels that appeal to so many American women in a way that most that read them would never admit.

I bet I have read 10,000 of these novels, by 4000 different authors over the past 10 years or so, and I am going to tell you what I know about what these authors and publishers believe women want and like and desire when it comes to men and sex.  What they write about - because it is what women want to read and they are the sorts of stories that sell.  All of the authors write about the same things, with different premises to their stories, of course, and different characters, etc., but every single romance novel I have ever read have the exact same underlying, or outright obvious, themes.  I am not going to go into every single thing these novels have in common, I am only going to offer those I think are important - those things about men and sex (not necessarily relationships) that women find so appealing and sexy and necessary.  Take notes because it's pretty damn simple.

Women want a man that is stronger than she is.  And, while physical strength is obvious and really sexy, she also wants a man that, even though she is strong and independent, will take the lead in so many situations - like when there is trouble - like when she needs help - like when making plans - like always standing up for her, no matter what.  And when she is in his arms - she wants to feel his strength against her body - his muscles and arms and hands and his desire for her - it all makes her feel like a woman.  And a woman that feels like a woman is desirable on so many levels and more confident in herself and what she has to offer.   It might seem very old fashioned, but women want a man who acts like a man - and that often means that he leads her and she allows that willingly.  It is sexy and appealing - not just for the woman, but for the man.  And, also, because she sees that by relinquishing power to him in situations, sexually and otherwise, increases his strength, it gives her more strength and power.

Women want a man that controls her sexually.  This is a BIG one!  This makes a woman feel feminine and the more feminine she feels, the more she is motivated to perform sexually and the more she wants sex.  When I say "control", it does not mean that the woman does not want to or will not take control sometimes and initiate sex and dominate some situations, BUT ... the more she is dominated by the man, the better.  And ... this can mean dirty play - such as scarves, blindfolds, handcuffs, ropes, etc.  It can mean consensual rough play.  It can mean trying things she has never tried before.  But what is important is that the man treats the woman with the utmost of respect at all times, but pushes her boundaries whenever possible - using his desires for her and masculine appeal to persuade her physically.  Kiss her and lick her and talk to her like crazy - then she might just let you tie her up :)

Women want to be made to feel beautiful and desired and want to know that she is the only woman her man wants or needs.  He can show her this through doing things for her and he can convince her of this by sincerely making a habit of saying the things he believes and she needs and wants to hear.  "You are beautiful.  You are important.  You are smart.  You are needed.  You are courageous and graceful and kind and my whole world."   

Women want to have a man consider her sexual needs and desires.  I have never read one romance novel where the male character EVER had sex with the heroine and he did not make sure she reached her orgasm FIRST.  The men in ALL of the novels I have ever read are constantly in tune with what their women need and want, and their primary goal is to please her - not just first, but always, in every way sexually and in every sexual situation.  This, when written and read, makes this sort of man so very appealing, so very sexy, so very masculine - to put the woman's sexual satisfaction first.

Women want to make love.  And ... women want naughty sex, as well.  There is a difference, but both are necessary to women - not in the same night, necessarily, haha - but in general.  Naughty sex is taboo to so many women - and I would venture to say that many would not even admit to wanting or fantasizing about having anything other than "traditional" sort of sex.  But EVERY novel I have ever read suggests otherwise, because nearly every novel I read has the woman trying things she has never tried before, and desiring to do so.  It's obvious why this would be appealing, sexually, for a man or woman, but so many women can be very reserved about admitting their feelings and desires when it comes to experimenting or allowing herself to step beyond certain boundaries.  Just because she will not admit such desires, it does not mean she is not having them.  I'm not going to go into details on what constitutes "naughty" sex, as that definition would be different to everyone.

Women want and NEED foreplay.  They want their man to spend time touching her and caressing her body - kissing her neck and lips and whispering words of lust and love in her ear.  They want and need their breasts fondled and sucked and licked and ... other parts of her body as well.   They want to touch their man's body and kiss and lick and play.  Foreplay, for women, is not only desired because it is so fun, but essential for persuading her mind and preparing a woman's body to accept a man into her.  It is, plain and simple, HUGE for a woman to have her foreplay.

Women want kisses.  The yummy, lust-filled kind.  They want to be swept up and away with every kiss given by her man.  They want the kind of kisses that make their toes curl and body heat rise and that make her quiver and shake and gasp for air.  She wants deep, passion-filled kisses and kisses all over her body.  All the time.  Kisses.

And there you go.  Six themes that are constant in all the novels I have ever read - suggesting, heavily, that women, no matter what they say, want these things - otherwise why would they buy these books to read about it?  If you have never ventured into the "Romance" section of a book store, you should - just to see how many thousands of books like these exist that women are reading.  And, I do not believe that only the women that are inclined to read these books desire, need and fantasize about these things.  I wouldn't want to suggest that ALL women want these things, but I am suggesting there are a lot of us - romance novel readers or not.

Lose the Pants

I was twenty-two years old.  Even though we were going out that November night to a Country & Western dance hall, my girlfriend said, "Tonight we wear dresses.  All the other girls will be in jeans - so we wear dresses."

She was so smart.  It was on that night - 30 years ago this November - that I met my husband - and that teal colored dress had a lot to do with our meeting.

People often comment that I always wear dresses or skirts - not just out dancing, but almost every day; a sundress, a jean skirt, a long skirt, a short skirt, a maxi dress.  It's true - I seldom wear pants or jeans or shorts.  Sometimes I think my love affair with dresses started that night I met my husband. 

I'm going to tell you what I think about a woman in a dress or a skirt.  I think she is more feminine, that is what I think.  I think she stands out.  I think she is able to freely express her femininity without even truly trying.  I think that a woman can be so beautiful in pants or shorts or jeans and a pretty top, but ... nothing makes a woman more appealing, in my opinion, than seeing her pretty bare legs or a flowing, long skirt to compliment the rest of her female attributes.  A pair of sleek pants with a gorgeous pair of heels and beautiful blouse, can be very sexy.  But ... a pretty short skirt that shows off smooth, long legs in a beautiful pair of high heels is ULTRA feminine and cRaZy sexy!

I think men like to see a woman in a tight pair of jeans or a pair of short shorts.  Men like women in any sort of clothing - or none at all - haha.  But ... I believe men love to see a woman look like a woman, and there is really nothing that makes a woman look more like a woman than a skirt or a dress. (And garters.  But that's another post - tee hee).  Okay ... and there is really nothing that appeals more to a man than a woman wearing ... NO pants (you're welcome for that visual).

Should women dress to appeal to men?  Um ... absolutely!  

A Truth About Men?

One of my Facebook friends recently posted a status that said, "A man will love a woman UNCONDITIONALLY, but first she's gotta look and act a certain way."

First of all, be aware that this particular friend is known to post statuses that are intended to provoke thought and trigger conversation - controversial and otherwise; the posts are not necessarily his beliefs at all.  But sometimes, they are.

I responded to the post, saying that the statement was contradictory and that I did not agree, but it was not the post that caught my attention as much as a comment my friend made later on in response to the thread of comments.  He said, "I think UNCONDITIONALLY is a word women use that don't want to improve themselves."  Again, keep in mind, this response might or might not be this man's personal opinion, but a further attempt to provoke continual conversation.

Now ... what do I think about this statement, "Unconditional is a word women use that don't want to improve themselves."?  

I think there might be some truth to this.  Women are known to be, not only the most complex and confusing of creatures, they are also, often, the most unreasonable and even demanding, when it comes to just about everything.  I should know - I am a woman - haha.  We don't like to admit that we are unreasonable or demanding - we are clever or naive enough (tactics, really, that are passed down through the generations of women that came before us) to believe we can disguise and redefine those unpleasant traits as other things, such as perfectionism or realism or idealism.  But ... I believe that, as stubborn as we can be about so many things, we are the most stubborn - so many of us - about correcting or admitting that we need to change anything about ourselves.  Now, so many of us are on health kicks, from time to time, or addicted to the gym to get into shape, with a genuine desire to be healthier and in better shape, but I can not even tell you the number of women that have said to me, "He can take me the way I am or I don't want him."  And this mostly has to do with appearance, but also includes unattractive attitudes and behaviors the woman refuses to address or admit might need to be altered about themselves.

And so ... is it possible that there is truth that women might say a man does not love her unconditionally when he wants her to look and/or act a different way and she refuses - when she refuses, but his requests are entirely reasonable and logical and even necessary, maybe, for that particular relationship to survive, and/or to make/keep the man happy.  I think, yes.  I think a woman might very well, and do, use the excuse that she is not being loved unconditionally when she is asked or expected to change things about herself (that she can change) that she refuses to change.  I think women can be lazy and I think women, of our generation and younger, have "fought" for equality of the sexes for so long and so hard, that any attempt by anyone to change us (in any way or any manner) is unreasonably seen as a possible attempt to degrade us or conquer us - and we are, stubbornly, NOT having that - haha! 

Is there truth in the statement that a man will love a woman UNCONDITIONALLY, but first she's gotta act and look a certain way?  I don't think this is true, in my experience.  But ... as my Facebook friend said in response to me saying this on his post, "That's because you look a certain way."  When he said this, it spun my thoughts around.  I think ... only men can truly answer this question - I said I don't think it is true, but I am obviously only guessing.  I think what men love, how they love, who they love and why is unique to each man, but if this idea is somehow universal among them, then it not only explains a lot, but it would mean that catching one and keeping them is far less complicated than many women make it.  

I, for one, have no problem trying to do the things that appeal to my man - for him - be it the way I look or the way I act.  However, I am not always successful - sometimes I have acted in a way that hurt him, and yet he still loved me unconditionally.  I don't even know how to explain that - only to say that I am very lucky and he is very loving ... and none of that really has all that much to do with me.

Harper Valley Mermaid

I have often joked that I only ever wear a bra when I go to a school function, such as a PTA Board meeting (which I have sat on many PTA Boards over the last 10 years - believe it or not), or a football game (sometimes I leave the bra at home for these - if it's hot - haha), or Orientation Day at the Elementary School.

I heard in the last several months, somewhere, that it does a woman's breasts more benefit if she does not wear a bra, as it strengthens the breast muscles, leading to less sagging over time.  Well ... I am glad to hear this!  Mine should be really strong by now.

Sometimes, I am going somewhere and one of my kids will notice I am not wearing a bra, and say so.  I always shrug, because, of course, I know this - and it is my way of telling them that this choice I make is MY choice and I will not allow anyone to take it away from me - not even them.  I know that there are people that hate this - that there are people that obsess over the fact that I seldom wear a bra.  I don't care.  I am not living my life to please everybody - and those I do choose to please, take me as I am and tolerate the things about me they do not find "conservative" enough.  Those that do not, do not stay around for very long.

One of my daughter's posted this drawing on her Facebook of this beautiful mermaid (she's considering for a future tattoo).  I made a comment that I thought the mermaid would look pretty with her head thrown back, her face to the sky and her breasts showing more.  One of my daughter's friends (a mutual friend of mine, also) followed my comment with, "Kellan, you think everyone should show their breasts more."   I guess it's true - haha.  I think a woman's breasts are beautiful and so much a part of what makes women sensual and appealing - not just to men, but to the world.  

And, as far as mermaids go ... they never wear a bra and always have beautiful breasts - I think we should see them.  I could be wrong about this.  I don't think so ... :)

For the record ... I'm pretty sure I was a mermaid in a previous life.  It would totally explain my love of water and ... no bra :)

Green is Not My Color

My daughter asked me why I didn't talk to her, she said, "I thought you were friends."

It was an awkward moment.  I really didn't want to explain to my daughter the thing that had happened in that moment when I had seen my friend - saw that she had seen me, but turned away, refusing or choosing not to acknowledge me.

I knew what had happened.  I have seen it before and knew what had happened.  Some things you just know.  Even though you don't want to acknowledge the truth or maybe, even, believe that you are accurate in your assumptions, you know.  Many of my friends tell me that I have the strongest intuition of anyone they know, and that so often it is absolute and accurate.  It is true, as I have experienced its accuracy my entire life, and have come to depend on it to guide me.

Why did I hesitate to tell my daughter?  Because it hurt me.  Not because the friend shunned me, while that was hurtful.  It was because of why I believe she shunned me.  The moment she turned away, I knew why.  So ... this reason hurt me, and ... trying to find the words to explain it to my daughter, hurt me.

But ... I told her.  I told her the woman and I had, indeed, been friends, until recently when it became obvious to me that I made her uncomfortable.  And, my making her uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable.  So ... when I saw that she had turned away, I chose not to pursue her.  I could have pushed my way past the wall she had suddenly put up, but I chose not to.  It was one of those small moments in life when you choose to save yourself, protect your feelings, over someone elses.  It is not something I do carelessly, but when I finally make that choice, I have concluded that, in my mind, I am right about the situation, and whomever is hurting me needs to be let go.

My daughter pushed to know more.  I didn't want to go into it, as what I would tell her could and might sound presumptuous, could be interpreted as hateful on my part, could be construed as egotistical.  I knew that only years and years of experience with this sort of thing would and does make the situation more understandable.  I did not want to suggest anything to my daughter that might, in anyway, be taken the wrong way and influence her negatively in how she might treat or react to people in her life in the future.

But ... I told her.  I told her the woman was jealous.  I make the woman uncomfortable when I am around her.  It is never my intention, but it happens.  I told my daughter that because I was dressed up and the woman was not, I believed that is why she ignored me.  And when I saw my friend's reaction, my defenses went up.  My defenses went up because, in that moment, the woman made me feel bad about myself, when I had no reason to.  

It is the irony and ammunition of jealousy - the ugliness it can create in one person, can ripple out, a dark cloud that can envelop others in its path.  I told my daughter I would not allow that.  I would not allow a person that felt bad about themselves to make me feel bad about myself, just so it would make them feel better.  I've done it, many times in my life - sacrificed my pride and dignity to sustain and encourage others - only when, and because, I knew I had the strength to continue to protect myself.  I still have the strength and a strong sense of self - I just no longer have the patience for a monster that is unforgiving and rarely tamable.

I saw this quote recently, "Everyone pities the weak - jealousy you have to earn."  There is a lot of truth in this.  I also saw, "Just because she's beautiful, doesn't mean you're not."  There is even more truth in that.